Wives of the hosts Brooklynn Salvato and Tori Higgins join Brian and Aaron for a very special episode. We talk about what marriage is like in this crazy cultural moment, discuss how some countries like China are reporting spikes in divorce rates due to quarantine life, and we try to lay out some key ways you can keep your marriage healthy through this crisis.

We had so much fun having the girls on the show, we may need to make this a recurring thing…

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The GoodLion podcast is a show by Aaron Salvato and Brian Higgins, the founders of CGN’s GoodLion Podcast Network. Each episode, their goal is to ask hard questions, push past easy answers and always look to Jesus, the God who is not safe but is very good.

I’m concerned about your marriage. I’m not suggesting that anything is wrong with it, but I do know that sometimes marriage issues sneak up on us. They start small and grow from irritations to resentment to divisiveness over time. It would be good to talk about solutions before problems get out of hand.

Furthermore, many people are hesitant to talk about their marriage with others. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s shame or a belief that they’re the only ones with the problems, or they’re merely trying to protect their spouse, but the reality is that even good marriages experience challenges. What makes them good is that the challenges are identified and adjustments are made.

It’s been said that “Marriage isn’t so much finding the right person as it is being the right person.” Although it is important to choose wisely whom you’re going to marry, it’s also true that marriage is a sanctifying process. Even marrying an angel will produce challenges in each of us. When we get married, we learn more about our selfishness and control issues than we ever knew we had.

Furthermore, marriage is a ministry. It’s an opportunity to lay down our lives for our mate. But a healthy marriage isn’t just about keeping the peace and reducing the tension. God wants your marriage to be a mission. Marriage is two people partnering together to serve the Lord in life. And when they have children, those kids participate in the mission to strengthen themselves with God’s grace and bless others.

With those thoughts in mind, let’s turn to some exercises that will strengthen your marriage. Each one is designed to remove a little bit of selfishness and increase Christ-likeness.

But what if my spouse doesn’t want to work on our relationship? Even if your spouse isn’t interested in participating, you can do a lot. The fact is, you are growing and changing, and marriage is one of the tools God uses to change you. These exercises will help you work out your salvation in your marriage and help you grow spiritually, even if no one else in your home contributes. Recognizing that God wants to do a work in you through your marriage can provide you with a mission to move forward.

The key is to start with yourself. Do all you can to be the person Jesus wants you to be. Ideally, your spouse is interested in becoming more Christlike as well, and, then to train and empower children to also grow in Christlikeness. Sharing that message with others outside the family then further blesses the family as a whole and contributes to family identity.

If you and your family can take each exercise, practice it in family life, and then apply it to those outside your home, you will demonstrate what it means to be a missional family.

It’s too short-sighted to think that the goal of family life is to be happy. Rather, the goal is to fulfill the God-given mission that He has given to you. With these 12 exercises, you will become something bigger and better for God’s kingdom. And, if others in your family are too busy or unwilling to participate, then you’ll grow personally in your sanctification before God.

Exercise #1: Practice Thankfulness

Each day identify specific things that you are thankful for that your spouse does. Some of these might be common activities. Others might be incidental. Thankfulness builds a grateful heart and protects a person from developing resentment and a critical spirit. John 12 gives a beautiful story of a contrast between Mary who gave a gift of gratefulness for Jesus’ raising her brother from the dead, and Judas who was selfish, critical and resentful. Be on guard against these dangers and practice thanksgiving to keep your heart in the right place.

Develop thankfulness in yourself, practice it in your home, and together, discuss ways you can thank others outside your home.

Exercise #2: Practice Admiration

Take some time to identify three things your spouse does better than you. What quality in your spouse is demonstrated by these things? Take time to admire your spouse for this quality. This practice will help you reduce your own pride and value the strengths of your mate. It’s especially meaningful to do this with children because it points out their strengths and contributes to their identity. And when they admire something in their parents, it reduces their own tendency toward selfishness. In Song of Solomon 5:14-16, the beloved is admiring her spouse. No wonder their relationship is so special. We all can find others we admire but many people never take the time to share their admiration. You are different and your practice of admiration goes a long way.

Exercise #3: Practice Listening

Ask your spouse a question and then ask a follow-up question to listen deeper. Most people ask a question and then start talking about themselves. If you truly listen to a person, you’ll develop attentiveness in your heart. Listening is a ministry. In James 1:19, we usually emphasize the importance of reducing anger, but the first words in the verse encourage listening. This is often difficult but very valuable to help a person manage themselves internally. Listen to others in your home. Teach them to listen as well, and then look for ways to ask follow-up questions outside your home.

Exercise #4: Practice Prayer

Why do so many couples not take advantage of this opportunity to connect spiritually? Whatever the reasons, it’s best to get over them and reach into this powerful connection tool. Prayer increases vulnerability in one’s heart, an essential quality of a good relationship. You might ask your spouse to pray for something that concerns you or ask how you might pray for your spouse. Praying together is strategic for children as well. It exercises a part of their heart that will accompany them for years to come. 1 Timothy 2:1-4 takes your prayers to the next level and allows you to use prayer as a ministry to others.

Exercise #5: Practice Kindness

It just takes a little more time to consider someone else. It would be helpful to give a gift of kindness each day to your spouse. This exercise builds graciousness in one’s heart and practices servanthood, an important quality of Christians in general, and in marriage in particular. If you’re on the lookout to be kind, your heart will gravitate toward godliness. 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that kindness is an important demonstration of love. Planning random acts of kindness as a family toward people outside your home can increase your family identity and pass on important life skills to your children.

Exercise #6: Practice Joy

Look for ways daily to express joyfulness. If you don’t tend to be emotionally expressive, this is particularly a good exercise. Smile, raise your eyebrows and say something positive about life. Joy causes us to reflect on what’s most meaningful. It doesn’t come from experiences as much as it comes from a depth of God at work. Philippians 4:4 reminds us of the source of joy. This exercise in a family encourages individuals to be God-focused in their lives. As you practice this, you can be the ones who bring sunshine into the lives of others.

Exercise #7: Practice Learning

Relationships can become stagnant and need fresh new insight regularly. As an activity, you might look at a Bible passage together and share with each other an application or insight. The Bible is so practical and reminds us continually of ways we can connect with God, rearrange our thinking and practice life His way. Joshua 1:8 makes the importance of God’s Word clear. Children benefit from regularly seeing their parents readjust life based on the Bible. Sharing scriptural insight with others can touch people significantly.

Exercise #8: Practice Service

One of the things that grow relationships together is to work together on a project or activity. Serving the Lord creates the added benefit of enhancing your vision as partners in service to Christ. Joshua 24:15 expresses the commitment that a family can have to serve God. One of the greatest ways that children can capture the faith for themselves is to see God working through them in service to others. Intentionally approaching church or a sports activity with an eye to serve does something inside of the servant.

Exercise #9: Practice Contentment

People are driven to be happy and often look for activities and things to continually fill that need. Contentment looks deeper and learns to live within limits without feeling anxious. Practicing contentment addresses a core challenge in anyone’s heart: complaining. Look for ways to put a hold on buying or upgrading or the continual need for activity. Hebrews 13:5 is a good reminder of the value of contentment. Children need this life skill because their definition of need is often out of proportion. Look for ways to find enjoyment in a simple lifestyle. Encourage family members to be on the hunt for enjoyment without getting more stuff. Consider how you might encourage others outside your family to do the same.

Exercise #10: Practice Generosity

It’s been said that we are most like God when we give. Look for ways to give to others. Blessing another family or giving to a need at church can draw you closer to your mate because you are focusing on your mission together, to give back, not just to take. Jesus describes the value of giving in Luke 6:38. It’s one of the more powerful exercises for the heart of a person. When you give as a family, children see the benefit, and the exercise contributes to their spiritual development.

Exercise #11: Practice Justice

Look for ways to help those who are suffering in society. Consider poverty, homelessness, abortion, elderly, racism and other social issues. Justice draws two heart qualities together: holiness and compassion. Micah 6:8 is a call for all believers to practice justice in our world. Marriages develop conviction, and children develop passion when they grasp the power of justice in practical ways. This is one of those qualities that’s naturally practiced outside the home.

Exercise #12: Practice Unity

Do you tend to be an agreeable person or a disagreeable person? Agreeable people are warm, friendly, gracious and tactful. Disagreeable people are critical, angry, contentious and argumentative. Take a good look at yourself and make changes to become someone who encourages unity. Identify things you have in common with your spouse and draw attention to them. Regularly look for ways to communicate unity in your home. 1 Corinthians 1:10 is an appeal to unity for the church and is definitely needed in the home as well. Children may become disagreeable and teaching them unity can help overcome this negative tendency. Look for ways to express and develop unity with others outside your home.

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In our church, we emphasize one Marriage Exercise a month. It’s our goal to build disciples and to encourage family life as a place to practice. If you’d like the colorful exercise pages that we mail to every married person’s home each month, email me at scott@biblicalparenting.org, and I’ll send them to you. You are free to use these ideas and handouts to advance the kingdom.

We’ve all experienced “Greener Grass Syndrome,” where we think something on the other side of our situation will make us happy. Guest Nancy Anderson shares her story of how her Christian marriage turned upside down when unhappiness turned to a willful affair. But as we read in John 8, Jesus acted in grace, mercy and forgiveness to the woman caught in adultery from that account. Watch as Nancy explains the amazing resolution and lesson she has learned when facing the “Greener Grass Syndrome!” Nancy’s book, Avoiding Greener Grass Syndrome, is available on multiple outlets for purchase.

“You shall go… and take a wife for my son Isaac.” Genesis 24:4

Relationships are a key part of life. Healthy relationships lead to a good life and unhealthy relationships will make life very difficult. The most important earthly relationship is marriage and who you marry is the second most important decision in life (second only to receiving Christ). Solomon wrote, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22). Genesis 24 tells the story of how Isaac and Rebekah met. Their story is a bit different than most of ours because the marriage was arranged, but there are some vital principles to keep in mind for any relationship.

But he said to me, ‘The Lord, before whom I walk, will send His angel with you and prosper your way; and you shall take a wife for my son from my family and from my father’s house. Genesis 24:40

First, it is important to remember that God has a plan for you. Paul wrote that God has foreordained good works for us to walk in. That includes whom we will marry. Long before Abraham’s servant arrived at the well, the angel of the Lord was there preparing the way. To think that God has forgotten you is bad theology and often leads to bad decisions. When we forget that God has a plan for us, we get impatient and begin to settle for less. Imagine if Adam did not wait on the Lord, he may have ended up with an ape.

Secondly, we are told where they met. Abraham was adamant that Isaac’s bride not be selected from the Canaanites. The reason for this was that they were ungodly. If Isaac was going to have a good marriage he must choose a godly wife. As his servant went on the search he selected a location where the young women gathered to draw water. I have been told that the three most important rules of real estate are location, location, location. The same is true of relationships. If Isaac was going to find a godly wife, he needed to look in the right places. Too often people become lonely, impatient and discouraged. When they have not found the right someone, they lower their standards and start looking in the wrong places. Remember there are certain places that are off limits. Looking for a relationship with an unbeliever, off limits. Looking for a relationship with someone who is married, off limits. Looking for a godly relationship amidst ungodly people, foolish.

Thirdly, Abraham’s servant had a high standard. He was first taken by the beauty of Rebekah, but that beauty was soon overshadowed by her godliness. She revealed her godliness in her willingness to serve and her great faith. Having never met Isaac, she was willing to trust the Lord and move forward with the relationship. Solomon wrote,

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

One of the grave mistakes that we make is in seeking a spouse instead of seeking the Lord.

Notice also that while the servant is out searching, Isaac is at home waiting on the Lord. This serves as a vivid illustration. Isaac represents the believer waiting on the Lord and the servant represents the Holy Spirit at work. Isaac finds his bride, not by seeking her but by seeking the Lord. Jesus said, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). One of the grave mistakes that we make is in seeking a spouse instead of seeking the Lord. There are things worse than being single. That is not a curse but a condition in which you must learn to trust in and walk with the Lord. Who you are and what you do while single is a picture of who you will be and what you will do when you are married. If you are discontent, distracted and compromising now, you will do the same when married. The key is to rest in Christ, trust in Him and faithfully wait for Him to provide you with your spouse.

Allow me to give one more bit of guidance. Sometimes a person will remain single because they either have unrealistic expectations of others, or they are set in their ways and unwilling to make any changes for the sake of a relationship. Relationships cannot happen if we are not willing to let go of self, humble ourselves and exalt the needs of the other. Rebekah was willing to give up her way of life for the sake of a relationship with Isaac. Isaac was willing to forsake the ways of the world around him and give himself to Rebekah alone. Once married it did not mean that life went on without difficulty. Later we will read that after twenty years of marriage, they were still unable to have children. Rather than become angry with God or their circumstances, we are told that they cried out to the Lord. The secret to solving relationship problems is found in seeking the guidance of God.

Whatever state you are currently in, whether you are single and waiting or married and struggling, the key to success is learning to trust in and wait upon the Lord. Remember, He has a plan for your life and much of that plan has to do with making you into the person He desires for you to become.

We’ve all heard that 50% of marriages fail today and that the statistics for Christians are the same as that of the rest of the population. Those statistics are wrong and they have a discouraging effect on people considering marriage.

Young people today are asking this very important question: With all of the negative statistics on divorce and marriage, why get married? In fact, many are giving up on marriage. More and more couples are choosing to live together instead of tying the knot. Wait! It’s time to revisit the statistics because they are simply wrong.

Why get married anyway?

But first let’s answer the question, “Why get married instead of living together?” The answer isn’t based on statistics. We get married because that’s what God desires and teaches in his Word. Period. We don’t use statistics to drive our decision-making. In fact, we would expect the world to have a different philosophy and find ways to justify it. As Christians, we don’t determine what’s right based on what’s working or what the latest poll reveals. We choose to obey God in spite of current trends or opinions.

Sometimes, however, we, as pastors, share statistics from the pulpit as illustrations, and it’s important to have our facts straight. The negative statistics are often used to light a fire under Christians to live according to God’s standard. Unfortunately, they often have the reverse affect causing people to feel discouraged because you would like to think that living a Christian life would produce better results. If it doesn’t, then that’s disheartening. But wait! The correct statistics do point to a greater chance of success when you live for the Lord. Hopefully this article will give you a greater understanding of how faulty statistics about the divorce rate came about and what the true numbers look like. It’s actually more encouraging than is commonly reported. Then we can use the statistics as illustrations of hope instead of despair.

A new book came out last month by Shaunti Feldhahn called The Good News About Marriage revealing that the commonly reported statistics on divorce and marriage are wrong. So where do those numbers come from and why are they inaccurate?

First, there’s no official report on divorce statistics. The numbers of marriages versus divorces are often complicated by the fact that some marriages end in the death of a spouse, and some people get divorced multiple times. But here’s a helpful statistic that you can quote: The Census Bureau’s 2009 Survey of Income and Program Participation reports that 72% of people who have ever been married are still married to their first spouse. Wow! That’s much different than the 50% divorce rate often mentioned. Again, that doesn’t take into account those who have lost their spouse by death. So the number of marriages that actually failed by divorce in the general population is much less than 28%. And that statistic has been constant over the last 30 years as reported in Census surveys.

But I thought the 50% divorce rate was common knowledge

So where does the 50% number come from? A common practice is to compare the number of marriages in town to the number of divorces in that same town. Many times that number is about two marriages for every one divorce. Some have implied from those numbers that 50% of marriages fail. But wait, that’s not even logical. If you have 100 marriages in your church and in one year you marry 20 people and 10 get divorced, does that mean that the percentage of your church’s successful marriages is 50%? No. Because you don’t take into account all of the marriage that are still continuing. That line of reasoning doesn’t take into account multiple divorces by one person, death of spouses, and the number of people who could have gotten a divorce but didn’t.

I was recently teaching a parenting seminar in Valdosta, Georgia and I met Dr. Eric Howington, who has a Ph.D in Applied Statistics and is a professor at Valdosta State University. When I heard that he had a doctorate in statistics, my eyes widened. Over dinner before the event I asked him to explain to me why one divorce for every two marriages doesn’t translate into a 50% divorce rate. His answer was this: “This is one of those math problems where you don’t have enough information to answer the question. You’re missing the number of marriages that are still ongoing. This kind of rate is determined over time and includes several factors that aren’t given in the information you’re providing me.”

It makes sense to me now, but I have to admit that over the years I’ve been duped into thinking that the divorce rate itself was higher than it actually is.

While we’re on the subject, there’s another important statistic to consider. Those who live together before marriage greatly increase their chances of divorce. Scott M Stanley reports just one of many studies that indicate that couples who live together without being officially engaged were more likely to divorce if they did get married. (“Sliding vs Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect,” Family Relations 55 (2006): 499-509) Certainly marriage is challenging and some marriages fail, but the alternative of living together is less attractive statistically.

What about Christian marriages?

As Christians, we don’t use statistics to determine our morality, but you would expect that doing the right thing would demonstrate itself in some form of success. After all, eating right tends to make you more healthy and studying hard usually produces better grades. But many have become disheartened with marriage because the commonly reported statistics seem to indicate that those in the church suffer the same statistical demise as that of the world. Again that data is wrong. In reality, it’s not even close.

Much of the misunderstanding comes from a misrepresentation of a George Barna study conducted years ago, and, according to Feldhahn, Barna himself would like to correct the misperception. The study measured divorce rates based on beliefs, not the practices of Christians. That is, he asked people if they were Christians instead of asking if they went to church. His finding was that those who choose “Christian” as their religion have the same divorce rate as those who don’t. But when you measure religious practice instead of religious affiliation the statistics for marriage and divorce are very encouraging. Many researchers have found that when someone is active in their faith it lowers their chance of divorce, usually significantly. The Barna Group did a study on many of the data sets to ask the question about divorce rate among those who had been in church in the last seven days. The rate of divorce dropped 27% compared to those who hadn’t, even more when you isolate evangelical Christians. That means that practicing Christians have a much higher statistical success rate of marriage today.

Conclusion

So what is the current divorce rate? Or what are the statistical chances of a successful marriage? Those numbers aren’t easy to come by, but if you take the Census number of 72% of people who are married are still married to their first spouse and adjust that number to consider those marriages that ended in the death of a spouse instead of divorce, and you consider that practicing Christians do even better, then the statistics for Christian marriages are much better than is commonly reported.

It’s hard to pinpoint for sure what the exact divorce rate is for Christians but it’s far better than many realize. The work of Shaunti Feldhahn is remarkable, with all kinds of footnotes, studies, and references to support the findings that there really is some good news about marriage. I highly recommend the book.

In addition to pastoring Calvary Chapel Living Hope, Scott Turansky heads up the National Center for Biblical Parenting, teaching biblical parenting seminars around the country and helping churches develop family ministries. You can learn more about that ministry at biblicalparenting.org.